Divorce Recovery - What After Divorce Fear Frightens You?

The paralyzing fear that accompanies divorce is overwhelming. Sleepless nights filled with worry over the future. What am I going to do? How am I going to do it alone? When am I going to have time to do everything? How am I going to care for my family and keep my job? For the divorced single parent, these fears are magnified. Divorce Recovery moves you from fear to freedom by addressing these after divorce fears where they originate; within you. Here are 3 Divorce Recovery Coaching tips to ease the fears.

Divorce Recovery Coaching Tip #1 - Acknowledge the after divorce fear as if it were a bully on the playground. When your kids come home from school, do they ever talk about a kid that is the bully and terrifies them? What advice do you give your kids on dealing with the bully? Do you tell them to walk away or do you tell them to stand up for themselves? Fear is a response to the unknown. When you don't know what to expect, you imagine the worst. Statistics show that by standing up to the bully, the bully loses its power and walks away. Stand up to your divorce fear and it loses its power.Divorce Recovery Coaching Tip #2 - When you don't exercise your muscles, you lose them. The more you stand up to your fear the more emotional muscle you build. Emotional muscles need to be flexed and used on a daily basis. When after divorce fear is standing in your way and you are stuck, flex your muscles. Use your emotions as a guide. Sometimes fear is a healthy response to a situation that we should stay away from. Ask the fear what it wants to teach you. Ask the fear for guidance. When you dialogue with the fear, you use it to your advantage. You may get odd looks in the grocery store line, but it is worth it.Divorce Recovery Coaching Tip #3 - Write a list of all of your after divorce fears, concerns, and unknowns. Read the list and notice what fear causes a sensation in your body. Which fear causes the greatest reaction? That is the one that you have to tackle immediately. If managing the finances created the most fear sensation in your body, brainstorm a list of problems associated with finances. For each problem, brainstorm a possible solution. An example of a problem might be that you do not know anything about finances. A solution might be to learn through an online class or knowledge based website.

Use these Divorce Recovery Coaching tips to move you from after divorce fear to freedom. Name the fear and notice the reactions in your body. Tackle the after divorce fears that cause the most reaction in your body. When you face fear head on, it loses its power. You build your emotional muscle, take back your power and ultimately your freedom to choose activities that help you succeed after divorce.

Divorced Men and Their Self Esteem

Divorce men suffer from a variety of problems after their marital breakdown. We often hear about the issues of finance and fatherhood which are very important but less talked about is the serious problem men have with self esteem, self worth and their image of themselves as men and members of society.

Men after divorce end up with a huge hit in self esteem as their wife, their lover, the one they thought they would be with forever rejects them. While everyone suffers this in a break up, men in our society tend to identify very heavily with being a husband. The old role as protector and breadwinner might be fading but in most of our minds it is still a strong part of our identity.

When a person's identity is rocked to its core we do not know who we are anymore. What we used to bolster our sense of self worth has no foundations anymore and crashes. This leads to a multitude of problems such as anger, depression, and also destructive activities designed to boost the self esteem short term to make a man feel good again for at least a moment.

The biggest problem for divorced men is that the old ways of feeling good about themselves and feeling full of worth will not work because they were largely tied to their identity as a married man. It takes a huge effort to now reinvent oneself and to find a core of self worth that cannot be shaken by any outside forces.

Don't Be Lonely After Your Divorce

Divorce is probably the one life event guaranteed to bring out the worst in most people.

Of course you want your fair share, you've worked hard you deserve it - but isn't your partner saying exactly the same thing? They also want their fair share and think they deserve it.

Life isn't always fair. Divorce most certainly challenges your concept of what is fair, however, if you can work together to come to an agreement you will at least save a small fortune on legal fees.

Don't lose sight of reality and get caught up in point scoring, sometimes you have to cut your losses and take the opportunity to get on with your life. Your relationship is over how much more of your life do you want to spend arguing with your ex.

Life after divorce can be good - I know, I'm living it.

Yes there were lonely days, there were sad days, angry days, frustrating days, but they were usually associated with looking back rather than forward.

Get up in the morning ready to accept the experiences the day has to offer, smile, the physical act of smiling changes your mood - it's true, google it! Find someone to help, pay a compliment, make someone else feel good and you will soon feel good too.

Feeling lonely is often associated with focusing on yourself, are you going over and over past events, and you still looking for fault, are you still blaming? All of these things stop you from looking out and forward. Remember being alone is different from being lonely. Time alone is something that you need, it gives you time to relax, plan, enjoy music, paint, cook, sleep, meditate, you carry on and make your own list.

Being lonely happens to us all from time to time, the trick is to recognise it and deal with it. I find that getting busy or getting out is best. I go for a walk and I smile. If you walk where other people walk or where people walk dogs you can usually find someone to pass the time of day with. If you smile people will smile back. If your loneliness is deeper and you find yourself brooding on being lonely day after day and not able to get out to meet people you should have a chat with your health practitioner, you may be depressed.

Life isn't fair, life after divorce may not be fair but it's up to you to decide whether you will spend the rest of your life looking back and feeling lonely or will you take a risk and step out, taking every opportunity that life will surely offer you. Life may not be fair, but you can still enjoy it.

Divorce: Letting Go and Moving On

In my experience, a person's readiness to move forward after divorce is related to several factors. These include the depth of the attachment between the partners, the length of the relationship, the degree to which the relationship was emotionally satisfying versus emotionally destructive, how traumatic the divorce was, and the individual's history of losses. Those couples who were deeply attached to one another - even those whose attachment is primarily negative - have a more difficult time moving on than those whose emotional attachment to one another has been less emotionally passionate. In addition, those couples who've spent much of their adulthood together have special difficulty adjusting after divorce. Their partner has been part of their reality for a very long time and it's a tremendous adjustment to conceive of life without them.

People with a history of significant losses often find it difficult to form new attachments or to move through the natural feelings of sadness and depression that accompany a significant loss. Some get stuck in sadness while others get stuck in anger. Either one is a way of emotionally holding on to the marriage and the ex.

Those who can't stand the loneliness of divorce after years of being partnered may quickly establish a new romantic relationship. While this may appear to be a way of moving on, it can also be a way of avoiding or prolonging necessary emotional work.

Many divorced people engage in frenzied dating following divorce. This is a period of experimentation during which they may be trying to figure out whether they're still desirable to the opposite sex. They may also be trying to discover what kinds of romantic partners are different from and perhaps an improvement on their ex. This 'dating frenzy' may include engaging in a series of short term sexual relationships. The sexual aspect of these relationships may also be a way of affirming their attractiveness, a means of gaining some physical comfort from touch or a way of finding something that was missing during their marriage.

Each person's readiness to approach the necessary tasks associated with rebuilding their life is unique. There is no right or wrong way of going about it and there is no common time table.

Occasionally ex's continue to have periodic sexual contact with one another. Whether they realize it or not, this is a way of hanging onto their partner and the marriage. Additionally, it's almost always emotionally disruptive to one or both. Just seeing your ex during the exchange of children for visitation, or around the neighborhood, can set you back emotionally.

It's especially difficult to see your ex with a date. Even if you were the one that wanted the divorce - the realization that your ex is no longer available to you may hit you with a sense of finality you didn't have before. It's easy to feel that your ex's new relationship diminishes the one the two of you had together. This is not true.

Sometimes ex's provide child care for one another, so each can go out socially or on dates. They may rely on one another to help with emergencies around the house or with automobile breakdowns, etc. There are instances when ex's ask to borrow money from one another or rely on one another in other ways. This continuing dependence is a way of holding on to each other and to the relationship. Moving on can't occur until each of you lets go of your dependence on the other.

It's advisable to keep contact with your ex to a minimum. See each other when it's necessary. Try to avoid getting tangled in conflict or extended conversations during your contact with one another. Keep your relationship business-like and focused on relaying information about your children.

Moving steadily through the psychological and literal aspects of post-divorce adjustment is the optimal way to get on with your life. It's helpful to establish goals such as paying off debt, returning to school, working towards a promotion, helping your children return to functioning well at home and in school, eliminating open animosity towards your ex, traveling on your own for the first time, beginning to date casually, developing new friends, pursuing hobbies, etc.

Most of us enter marriage with hopes, dreams and expectations. When a marriage comes to an end, we mourn these dreams as well as the relationship. You may need to be patient with yourself, but you may also need to be brave as you confront your feelings of sadness and loss. Completing this emotional work will help you get on with the business of your own life.

Divorced Dads - Father Figure Or ATM Machine

A Dad's Post Divorce dilemma is usually trying to figure out what his new role is going to be. Parenting after divorce is a challenge for Divorced Dads. You don't want your children seeing you as only a Father Figure because you show up on the occasional weekend or holiday. You also just found out that your children call you the ATM Machine. What is the solution to parenting after divorce for a Dad?

Here are the top 5 parenting after divorce tips to Help Divorced Dads:

Set up a parenting plan with your former spouse and make a complete list of the rules to be followed when the children are at each home.If you want to be more than a Father Figure or Cash Machine, create a new role for yourself. Write down a list of your gifts, talents, and skills that you can share with your children. What role do you want to play in their present and future lives? If you have not been an emotional guy in the past, do you want to show a more gentle side?Prepare for backlash. If you have given in to the "I need cash now" cries of your children in the past and now you suddenly want to change, there will be a fall-out. Have a pros and cons sheet ready to discuss with your kids. Hold a family conference with everyone present, including your ex-wife, to communicate the new rules.Stay true to your values. If you want to have responsible children, you need to give them responsibility and expect them to follow through. If you want kind children, you need to model that behavior and expect the same from them.Compliment instead of complain. These are new roles for everyone in the family. Acknowledge the changes you are making and compliment your children for their progress as well.

Parenting after divorce takes time as you adjust to your changing role. With patience, discipline, and integrity, you can be a Father Figure to other Divorced Dads and someone your children are proud to call, not ATM Machine, but Dad.

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Divorced, But Still Parents

STILL PARENTS... Remember you may have decided to no longer be husband and wife but you are still Mom and Dad to your children. You need to always show your child's other parent respect. This includes how you act around the other and what you say in front of the co-parent and when the co-parent is not present. A major part of parenting is being a role modeling for your children. You need to model for your children respect. Your children will imitate your behavior. Your disrespect for your former spouse will be the role model your child follow when dealing with other people.

One easy way to show respect is to shop with your children for gifts or cards for their co-parent. Make sure your children recognize the co-parent with appropriate gifts or cards. This would include Christmas time, birthday and Mother/Father's Day cards.

CO-PARENTING... The aspects of good co-parenting are very similar to good parenting skills, it just a little bit harder because you are in different households.

Conflicts

Be positive. Learn positive conflict resolution techniques. Conflicts will come up, you can't avoid that. Even the best written parenting plan will not avoid all conflicts. Conflicts are a great opportunity to role model conflict resolution to your children.

Keep the kids out of the ring. The kids are not a tool to get back at your ex-spouse. Make sure your conflicts with your ex revolve around a need of your children. You must clear about your children's needs and don't transfer your needs unto your children. Second, you must compromise when it is possible.

Set Appropriate Boundaries.

Your house verses the Ex's house. This is going to be very difficult but unless the children are in physical or psychological damage, the other parent has the right to use whatever parenting style he/she find appropriate. His/her parenting decisions are most likely out of your control. It is probably a good bet that your ex will not make the same parenting decisions you make.

Both parents should split the various parenting tasks. Try not to let one parent be responsible for all of the day to day parenting and the other only being the fun parent. Share the parenting chores such as parent/teacher conferences, doctor appointments.

Be aware if the kids working one parent against the other. You need to be able to draw the line between what happens at your house, under your parenting style and what happens at the other parent's house. Just because "it" happens at Mom's house does not mean "it" needs to happen at your house.

Communication

Find a way to communicate regularly. This can be by email or phone. Make sure you share as much as possible. As a young child, this communication is about basic activities such as eating, sleeping and eating habits. A daily journal can be a great way for both parents to share information. As the children get older, they can communicate more directly with both parents. But this communication should not be left up to the children only. The parents should have a way of communicating on school activities, church effects, sports events, social events and trips out of town.

Develop an understanding of each co-parent's communication needs.For example, you have a job where you can't be reached by phone; so communication needs to be by email several days in advance.

TO SUMMARIZE

First, respect the co-parent's parenting approaches; accepting that differences are okay. Communicate regularly with respect. Set strong boundaries, children will soon learn what is allowed at each parent's household. Don't let one parent assume the disciplinarian role while the other parent gets to be Santa Claus.

There are many other aspects of successful co-parenting. Each co-parenting situation is different and not all suggestions work for all people. One parent may still be working through the pain of the divorce. But, it is possible for co-parents to work through these issues and develop a way to collaborate with the other co-parent. When you are faced with issues of co-parenting, seek out a counselor who has experience in counseling couples in parenting plans, collaborative dispute resolution and working out issues related to effective co-parenting to help with this stage in your life.

Divorce Recovery For Guys In Emotional Trouble

The trouble with divorce recovery for guys is that we are notorious for not seeking help and treating every problem no matter how delicate like a nail that needs hammering. This may work for many problems in life, but not for the deep psychological issues that a divorce can cause in a man, it can in fact make it worse.

This can cause a primal reaction in men - fight or flight. To get angry and fight against yourself or your ex wife because you feel you need to WIN something. Or flight, where you might withdraw completely hoping the danger will pass.

As you can imagine, neither approaches work very well when the problem is in your own head and needs a different approach completely!

What recovery from divorce requires is a radical shift in how you see yourself and your place in society. Your ego is what is really hurting and your self esteem plummets and all the mind wants to do is take the easiest option and keep things the same. Change is hard and you have been forced to do it immediately causing all sorts of psychological short circuits.

You need to reinvent yourself, but this means going through an emotional process that can be taxing, but will reveal to yourself what change needs to take place in our life.

There are however many practical things you can do to help this along. There are mental exercises you can do to help you lessen the intensity of painful memories. There are psychological tricks to help your self esteem and self respect. There are also boundaries you can set yourself to stay sane and be a better person and father.

What you really need is information that you can construct a plan around. One that moves you forward into the unknown as prepared as you can be and with some clear goals set out before you.