Living Together In Divorce - An Effective Way To Get Through Tough Times

There is something going on throughout the world that is not widely advertised and may be happening on the street where you live.

I am talking about married couples who have come to the end of the road with their relationship but instead of getting a quick divorce have decided to stay living together.

If it sounds unusual then prepare yourself for the fact that the amount of families living this way is on the rise.

So why on earth would a husband and wife who have ended their marriage want to stay under the same roof with each other.

The plain and simple truth is that many couples cannot afford to break up in the traditional way. By that I mean a good old fashioned and often nasty divorce where there are no winners just hurt and angry people.

The global recession affected a lot of people who lost their jobs and watched their biggest asset (their home) devalue to far less than they paid for it. The recession caused the bottom of the housing market to literally fall out leaving people who had bought their homes in more prosperous times struggling to sell their homes for a fair price.

When a married couple decides to part they generally look at dividing up their assets. The family home is put on the market and the couple hopes for a fast sale so they can move on with their lives. As many couples would have had a mortgage on their property it would be impossible to sell their home for less than the amount owed at the bank. The future must certainly have looked bleak for many of these people as they watched their marriages dissolve and everything they had worked for now part of a divorce settlement.

Somewhere in the suburbs a cunning plan must have been hatched and the concept of living together in divorce was born. In the face of adversity couples that were intending to divorce decided the best thing to do was become roommates and live in the family home until it was sold.

What followed though was a realization that as roommates they were getting on better with each other because the pressure of the marriage was gone. Instead of going into the future with nothing but heartache these ingenious couples set some new rules and embarked on a brand new way of living together. They knew that eventually they would be divorced but not until their debts were all settled and their children properly cared for.

This is not an epidemic but it is taking place in homes everywhere. People will have their opinions but at the end of the day when a couple makes the tough decision to live together in divorce I can guarantee they have not taken it lightly.

Living Together In Divorce - The Effect On The Family Unit

When a husband and wife who are divorcing make a decision to stay living together they need to have a clear view of why they are doing it. It could be they want to first sell their house and settle all their debts.

But another reason many are doing this is for their children.

We all know how the recession has affected families in general with job losses and rising prices. So imagine a husband and wife with a couple of kids trying to navigate their way through a divorce knowing it will put them all in hardship.

They will be concerned for their children's welfare, because if they part and live in separate houses there might not be enough money to support them. Unfortunately marriage break ups do not always come with a warning so most divorcing couples would be stressed out wondering how it will affect their kids.

There are husbands and wives who can get so caught up in their own anger and resentment they forget their children are suffering. Many times they are used in an emotional tug of war where their parents traumatize them as they tear each other apart in custody battles. When a couple stays together during a divorce for the sake of their children they know that all animosity has to be put aside.

Critics of children living with divorcing parents insist that it will delay the grieving process of a child but on the other hand as kids are very resilient they could perhaps be gently eased into the idea of mum and dad eventually parting for good. These children have probably witnessed constant bickering or cold silences while their parents' marriage was imploding. So seeing mum and dad more relaxed and less unhappy would make most kids feel a lot more settled.

Should you tell your children the absolute truth about your new living arrangement? The answer to that is YES. If the children are very young they may not be able to understand so it probably would not be an issue but if they are older they deserve honesty. Do not be surprised if they act like it is not a big deal. Children take things on board, as they see them so if their mom and dad are getting along again they may not blink an eye. It is up to their parents to make the transition when the time comes as pain free as possible.

It is truly amazing how the love of a child can transcend all differences that exist between people.

Many happily married couples with children are on the poverty line because of the recession and it is possibly the cause of many marriages breaking up. The stress of trying to keep the family unit together in these trying times would be more pressure than some people could bear.

As women tend to get custody of their children many men find the concept of being a weekend dad daunting. There are couples living together during and after a divorce because they have both agreed they want to raise their kids together. This version has nothing to do with lack of money it is about two parents who do not want to miss out on their kids growing up. As men are more hands on dads these days they can hardly be blamed for wanting to be there for their kids 7 days a week instead of the usual two.

Children who lose one parent through divorce often acquire physical and psychological problems but it is still unknown if children living with divorcing parents bear any long term scars from the experience. This of course is based on the parents providing an emotionally healthy environment for them to grow in. Critics believe it is impossible for two ex married people living as roommates to do this but for some it is working.

A lot would have to be worked out but if the parents are able to live together in harmony who is to say it is not possible.

Living Together In Divorce - The Need To Set Boundaries

Like so many divorcing couples throughout the world you have made a decision to stay together until what you both think is a suitable time to divorce and part for good. This can be because you want to sell your house, settle your combined debts or just live together so you can both raise your children.

In order to create a harmonious environment to co-exist in you will need to set some boundaries. Imagine an invisible line drawn around you which determines what you let in or out. The line is your boundary and if you're ex husband or wife walks over it carelessly you will need to tell them it is not acceptable.

A situation where having clear boundaries in place could be your sleeping arrangements. If you have separate bedrooms and one partner thinks it is okay to come into your room when they feel like it you will have to firmly let them know they have crossed your boundary line. Make it clear you do not want to have to put a lock on your door but if your ex does not stop stepping over your boundaries you will be forced too.

Mutual respect is the name of the game here and never will it be as important as two ex married people living in the same house. You will have to define your boundaries at the beginning of your new living arrangement so there is confusion or unnecessary conflict.

Going from husband and wife to roommates is a huge adjustment so I have no doubt that at times you will challenge each other's boundaries.

If the word BOUNDARY was not been recognized in your marriage then the both of you could be in trouble as the lack of any boundary setting could be the reason you broke up. In some homes there is a more dominant partner who calls the shots while the more submissive partner does as they are told. If this was the status quo of your marriage then staying together will not work.

When verbalizing your feelings on a subject such as the sleeping arrangements talk gently but be assertive. Getting angry and saying things that are hurtful will only make the situation worse. Good communication is based on listening to what a person has to say and then them allowing you to do the same. It is not about name-calling and control tactics.

Another area you will need definition is in the continued raising of your children. If there is any debate you should take it away from the children who have possibly seen enough upset at the end of your marriage. You cannot get into heated arguments in front of your kids otherwise they will be better off living with one parent. The reasons you have chosen to stay together may be based on financial survival but please do not forget that your children will become victims if their parents chose to carry on a war in front of them. It is also abusive if you allow it to continue.

Remember you are getting a divorce eventually so try to relax.

No one said living together during a divorce would be easy but a level of maturity is needed to make it work. Each ex partner has to rise above any petty issues and respect each other's boundaries.

This could be a lesson for you both as you learn how to appreciate each other's right to their own way of thinking and doing things. Boundary setting in any kind of relationship is essential for a healthy and happy atmosphere. You need to understand that we all have our own unique ways of how we look at the world and our place in it.

In any relationship there has to be give and take but there also has to be forgiveness.

Copyright (c) 2010 Linda Cole