Surviving Divorce Part 2 - A Strategy for Surviving Divorce

Looking back on my own divorce I realise that I experienced a range of emotional milestones which included a period of letting go; a period of feeling guilty because I didn't say or do all the things I might have; a period of anger because it didn't work out the way I wanted it to; a period of reconciliation during which I thought that maybe if we tried again it would work this time and finally a period of acceptance. Each of us goes through these stages when we lose a relationship, although not necessarily in the same order. The time for each stage also varies from one person to another. Losing someone you love and the role of married partner is a unique experience for us all.

Here are the lessons I learned from my own journey.

Take back your personal power.The process of redefining yourself as a single person confirms your personal identity and you must assume 100% responsibility for the new life you are designing. Be decisive and self directed in the knowledge that there is no-one else to blame for what you want, or get, out of your life. As someone once said 'As long as you have the power to choose, you have the power to change'. Make the choice to be happy and fulfilled and then ask yourself what you must do to achieve these things.Let go of blame and bitterness.They will make your new life toxic and besides, as Wayne Dyer says, "All blame is a waste of time. You may succeed in making others feel guilty but you won't succeed in changing whatever is making you unhappy" Furthermore, don't allow yourself to become a victim. In order to move forward it is much better to see yourself as a powerful, courageous woman, than someone under the influence of other people.Make space for your new life.In order to bring new people and pursuits into your new life you have to create space for them.This means learning to say 'No' to the stale outdated things which may be, habits, people, and places or attitudes. The choice is yours.Give yourself a makeover. Take stock of your appearance and set about improving it. Ask someone you trust to be honest with you about how you look and identify areas for improvement. If you can afford it consult an Image Consultant and book a make up session. Get yourself a new hair style, some new clothes, makeup and some new accessories. After all when you feel that you look good, you feel good too!Liberate yourself. Don't hoard. Resist clinging to the past with drawers and boxes full of momentos and photographs. Be selective about your memories and reduce the space it occupies in your home and head. Have a good clear out and prepare space for your new life by creating space in your home and wardrobe. Make three piles. Give away, sell and dump. Be absolutely ruthless! Make a rule to use anything new thereafter as a replacement, and sell or give away the item you are replacing, to avoid hoarding again.Make a financial plan. Living on your own costs more than it does for a couple. Furthermore, research shows that women's anticipated income in retirement is a third less than their male counterparts. Keep a spending diary for a month or so to inform planning. Make a list of your income and outgoings and don't forget to include irregular and unexpected costs. Give yourself a regular money makeover. Look for ways to reduce your outgoings on an on-going basis and make your money work harder for you.Celebrate and embrace solitude, don't hide behind it. Remember, loneliness is a choice we make not something that is externally imposed on us. I soon realised that loneliness is not the same a being alone and is actually a choice we make. When a week-end alone is no longer a luxury for you, fill it with new and exciting things to do.

One thing you need to watch out for is fear and resistance to change, which happens to EVERYONE. Be alert to your fears, your reactions to loss and your confusion over the practicalities of making a recovery. It's all about taking the next step. You can be paralysed by fear and resistance to change or you can confront and dissolve it, and get on with your new life. I am living proof that this is possible and am grateful for the strength and courage to stand on my own, secure in my own integrity and self-worth. If I was able to survive divorce, so can you!